#gooutside

So, a few weeks back Tre went to the doctor with shoulder pain, and in going through all of the diagnostic tests he was asked - how would you rate the pain on a scale of 1-10?  He tried to explain to the nurse that its difficult to say, because he hasn't experienced 10.  Maybe its being cut in half by a machete? maybe its having your foot run over by a truck? if you can only imagine it, you can never know for sure until you experience it.

For me, this is how I have felt for years about depression.  It's not something I talked about much, because when you haven't experienced each side - depression and happiness, how can you possibly evaluate yourself?  I am pretty comfortable asserting that for about 10 years I was clinically depressed, and the only reason I can really say that is because I am now happy.  I wake up in the morning at a reasonable time, after 8 hours of sleep with energy and a want to get out of bed.  It is not exhausting to carry out my daily routine, and I have an interest in doing the things I enjoy.  Before I experienced this change, I'd see those commercials - "Have you lost interest in doing the things you enjoy?" and "Has this feeling lasted for longer than 2 weeks?", and while I had the inclination that this spoke to me, I couldn't possibly evaluate how applicable it really was because I never experienced "normal"

I don't say any of this with that "oh woe is me" tone at all, it's something I am actually really thankful for, for two reasons.  First of all, now that I have seen a definitive difference between me now, and me then I can reflect and evaluate what lead me to those dark places.  Secondly, when I feel myself slipping, I can stop it.  I have learned to cope, how to pull myself out of a slump, and how to know when it is okay to feel sad and to do nothing, and when it starts to be something unhealthy.

Maybe an analogy will help - maybe some of you had a Sega and played the lion king game?  There was this one level where you're riding on an ostrich and you have to jump up, or duck, and make it to the end of the level without tripping or getting knocked off the ostrich.  The only way you can learn how to beat the level, is by memorizing the order of jumps and ducks (jump jump duck duck duck jump  duck etc..) so inevitably you're going to loose, a lot of times before you beat the level.  Until recently, I felt like no matter how many times I tried to beat the level, I always lost, or the pattern was different than what I remembered.  Now that I have beat the level, not only do I feel like I could go back and do it over and over and over with ease. I am also able to look back on all the times I lost and realize my mistake.  Now in life, when I face any obstacle or challenge like those I have muddled through in the past, I feel I have the tools and the wisdom to face it successfully.

Now that I feel that I am living my life with a sense of clarity and direction, the only sad part is thinking about all of the lost opportunities I had because I spent so long in a depressed fog - but then again, now each chance and each step forward I take is so much sweeter, and carries with it an added sense of pride and self accomplishment.

Today I had a day that 2009 Amanda would never even consider.  I woke up around 8, took the dogs out in the yard and for breakfast I had the last slice of a blueberry rhubarb pie that I made earlier in the week.  I did dishes, swept the floors, fed the dogs, and got dressed.  Tre was headed over and so I pulled out my bike, mounted my bike rack and we headed for the Nashua Rive Rail Trail.  A 12 mile bike ride with my boyfriend, followed by a smoothie and a trip to a local beef farm where I bought fathers day steaks for my dad and heirloom tomatoes for us.  To a lot of people, this seems like a normal Sunday, or even a better-than-normal Sunday, but for me these days are really the first days of me truly living my life.